between 46 and 48

It's Thursday afternoon. I officially have a meeting at 3 PM and class at 6:30 PM. I have a lot going on in my life, but for the next few minutes, I will enjoy listening to "Ohio" by Over the Rhine, eat my dannon yogurt and write some things that I've refused to discuss in the past few weeks. And maybe, I'll be honest enough, that you'll understand me without judging me.

More or less, I've been weighing both the large and miniscule parts of my existence to figure out where I want to be and mostly, I've been thinking of real physical places, such as, Ohio, Boston, DC, Brooklyn, Illinois....

But I would love to be....

I want to be in the city that God has prepared for me. He has already prepared so many roads for me to get there, but I've realized that my life isn't just about where I see myself heading...More importantly, it's this very minute, this hour, this day, that God wants me, all of me, even with fragments of brokenness and sin, He wants me to be His in NYC.

He wants me to proclaim His name, not just when I am comfortable, when I feel blessed, when I feel everything is just so wonderful, that I can't stop shouting His name from the rooftops, but He is actually waiting for me to just be me, even when I'm up to my knees in the mud, stuck and uncertain...

It doesn't matter how many accomplishments I have made, my titles, or how many pats on the back I've gotten, there is a time and place for everything and today, I am suppose to be honest and completely vulnerable and open and exposed and seen--

Yesterday (it seems like years ago) I wrote this aching poem (which I haven't shared here for a reason), one would have thought it was a huge tack in the bottom of my shoe, an arrow in my heart, a bandage so large , it would have covered several continents, but really, it was me trying to express that some relationships, no matter how great they might have been, leave a subtle quiver of self-doubt within, making me wonder, "Will I will ever experience anything more of what it means to know love and be completely loved again?"

I find myself wanting to turn back to page 46, just so I can turn the page and see if history can be changed on 47. It's this feeling that makes me ponder all the limitations that I have made for myself and if I have any authority or strength to break through them, like a super-hero.

Instead, I am just me.

I have to wake up and put my feet on the floor and take a step of faith that this day can and will be different if I place my trust in HIM, though it seems like such a small feat. I have to take that step with the knowledge and wisdom that I have received from the Lord. I cannot act like I haven't any sense, when clearly, God has moved in my life and made Himself known.

His love is so evident, I cannot turn the page back to 46. It would almost be a sin, would it not? He is the light unto my path on page 47. He waits for me each morning, hoping that I look forward and not backward. It's not a test, but if I LOOK BACK, HOW CAN HE POSSIBLY TAKE ME ANYWHERE?

It's time to turn the page to fully live on page 48.

(It might be a cheesey metaphor-but it works for me...)